Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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