In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
