Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
