Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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