You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
