she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
