On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
