Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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