I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
