Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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