proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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