just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
