I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
