do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
