P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
