i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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