Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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