there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
