I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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