If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
