I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
