He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
