I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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