So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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