at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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