Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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