i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Congratulations! We have a period
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