im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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