I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
