Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
