I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
