That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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