As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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