Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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