We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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