it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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