I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
