i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
