She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
