i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What drink are we having for lunch?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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