Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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