Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
