the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
