i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
