Farmville is her only friend.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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