got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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