jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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