my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We are all done wearing pants today
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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