hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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