exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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