We're facebook friends in real life
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
